


take a look around (you're somebody's hero somehow)

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, just a little thing about how i imagine dan's been feeling this week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 14:51:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13929357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: Dan may not always say the right thing.But sometimes, what he does say is enough to change lives.





	take a look around (you're somebody's hero somehow)

“Message of the day?”

“Don’t wide--ride wild animals.”

“Bye.”

It’s a relief to drop the smile. Not that Dan’s necessarily hurting right now but the pressure of acting normal is really starting to weigh on his shoulders. And his stomach.

Maybe takeaway isn’t the best idea tonight.

“Hey, I think that went pretty well. Want me to edit this tomorrow?”

There’s that edge to Phil’s voice, the delicacy of his tone that digs under Dan’s skin, that darkens the clouds in his head.

Of course Phil wasn’t going to understand, even after almost nine years. Who the fuck did?

Like a cloud opening up, a wave of pain pours over Dan again, drawing his eyes to the tile as grey as his thoughts.

“Yeah,” Dan sighs. “Could you, please?”

Phil reaches up to eject the memory card, wrapping his arm around Dan’s bicep and stroking his thumb across Dan’s sleeve. “I know it’s been the week from hell, love.” His voice may be soft, but his tone is much stronger this time. “Want me to run a bath before TV night? I can get your candles too.”

A tiny knot loosens enough to bring his eyes up to Phil’s, whose eyebrows are pulled so tight they send Dan’s teeth pulling against his bottom lip. “I...yeah, I’d love that.”

“Alright.” Phil squeezes Dan’s arm, shoots him a smile through the murkiness in both his and Dan’s eyes. “I love you. You know that, right?”

The words melt into his brain, but disappear as soon as they’ve sunk in. What can Dan do but shrug and nod?

“Love you too.”

The weight of his tone hangs between the two of them, swinging back onto Dan as Phil spins out of his seat and walks out the door.

 

**

The bath is nice. Pink bubbles froth over his chest, a warm fluffy layer to smooth the crinkles in his muscles from hunching over for two weeks straight. The scents of his candles dance in the air and twist together in his nose to create something so overpowering it’s almost all he can focus on.

Then a string of tweets floats before his closed eyes.

_thanks but we don’t want dan_

_probs won’t watch the vid if he’s in it tbh_

_Where’s my solo Phil content when I need it??_

And worse. So much worse.

Phil had told him not to go through the replies. The way his eyes were fixed so rigidly to the screen, switching back to the YouTube tab faster than lightning, should have said it all.

But of course Dan’s a glutton for punishment.

A question flutters out from the cobwebs in his mind, the same one that’s been niggling at him all week. Even the Chopin floating from his laptop speakers can’t shut it up entirely.

It’s the same question that pinned his eyes open in those lonely teenage nights, that beat him across the head and shoulders for as long as he could remember.

_Will I ever be enough?_

That video. That fucking video. At some points during script writing, it was everything to Dan.

And for some people, it was just nine words.

 _“You know that’s not true.”_ Phil’s voice echoes in his mind. _“You did such a good job with that message. The thank yous may not have gotten as much attention but they’re_ there _, Dan. You’ve just gotta look for them.”_

But how could he go looking for them when so many connect him with a word that still sends daggers through his stomach?

It’s not like they were there when he’d furiously delete comments off his MySpace page. Or when he’d rub at his arm after getting slammed into the metal football goals again and again, even though his heart hurt more. None of those kids had a peek into the nights he’d toss and turn in bed as the questions flipped and flopped and banged against his mind, his heart sinking because he knew his classmates were right and ice pooling his stomach as he asked, over and over, _but what then?_

These _kids._

These kids are the age Dan was when his thoughts were all tangled like that. Shouldn’t he be some kind of model for them, showing them it’s perfectly fine to be whoever they want, doing whatever he can to keep them from the crushing pain he knows all too well?

“Dan? Milkshakes are here!” Phil’s voice sounds far away, cutting through the sweeping piano music and stirring something deep in Dan’s heart.

He pulls his arms into himself and sighs. Tries to imagine the chocolate and vanilla splashing across his tongue, the layers of creamy texture in the ice cream. It’s not easy, though.

Even their milkshake tradition feels like it belongs to another Dan.

He picks up his phone and texts a “thanks” to Phil. It’s too much effort to shout across the flat.

Dan sinks back into the bubbles, legs pulled to his chest to keep his feet from hanging over the tub. _Just you and the water. And Chopin. Every breath a new beginning and all that._

What’s this but another road bump in this shithole of a life? It’s not like Dan hasn’t dealt with worse before.

Right?

 

**

When Dan finally pads into the lounge, Phil’s holding out his phone with wide eyes and a bitten-back grin.

It’s open to YouTube. Dan slumps against him.

“Hey Dan, I was just looking at the recent comments on your video and...I really think you should see this one.”

Dan’s stomach turns despite the mouthwatering veggie burger laid before him. Still, he takes Phil’s phone anyway.

Because it’s Phil. Phil, who ran him the most delicious bath, who’s offering to edit the gaming video tomorrow just after slapping together the Instagram video. Phil, who’s got Dan pulled tight against his chest, head resting in its perfect little nook in Dan’s shoulder.

The comment comes from a girl about uni age. Apparently his and Phil’s videos had inspired her to change majors and completely change schools to pursue her dream of writing. But ever since she started in the fall, she’s been confronted by anxiety and wondering if this was the right choice for her. Because she feels like she can never measure up, and it’s so hard going for something you feel so passionately about and possibly failing. This video, though, was a massive help for her, as she’s been feeling the same way as Dan for months. Thanks to Dan, she’s starting therapy and working to silence the inner critics in her head to make her that much happier.

She’s proud of him. And nowhere does it mention sexuality.

“See, Dan?” Phil nuzzles his nose to the tip of Dan’s neck, setting it aflame. “You do have the power to change lives. Have I mentioned how proud I am of what you’ve done this year?”

“It really hasn’t been much—“

“Yes it has. Maybe you’ve spent more time contemplating life than you’d like but the things you have done have impact, Dan. So much more than you know. You’re doing your best, and that’s more than enough for me--and for everyone out there too, I expect.”

Dan rolls this over in his mind. Stacks it up with the other stories he’s heard, the ones he only dares to believe in his brightest moments. An elephant’s foot lifts from his chest.

He snuggles closer to Phil, if that’s possible, pulling in his scent (almost indistinguishable from Dan’s own but with something sharp that’s just Phil) and letting Phil’s arms pull him into a space that’s just for them.

Maybe the clouds haven’t completely parted from his mind. But as Dan’s favourite _Steven Universe_ episode starts up for the thirtieth time, he thinks that maybe he can let in a bit of sunshine at the end of this road.

Especially when he takes that first breath of northern air this weekend.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/phloridas) or Tumblr @phloridas!
> 
>  
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> [Reblog link](http://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/171735754471/fic-take-a-look-around-youre-somebodys-hero)
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> 
> Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! And yes, the girl in the comments is me. A little self-indulgent, maybe, but this is my thank you to Dan and Phil for literally changing my life around. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them and I'm so grateful to them every single day--even if they do fuck up sometimes. :)
> 
> Title creds: Love Too Much by Hunter Hayes


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